Timmy

Given the circumstances, I wouldn't put it below anyone to take it from the small child and use it for fuel. But then again, the child could die....meh. That's not the point. The point is that we're at war. Let me tell you a story.

Timmy

It began in the deep wild of Spanish Fork. Timmy crawled out of the log, covered in syrup and leaves. He had been hiding from the enemy for days, subsisting only on waffles and select toppings. As he walked through the field towards the highway, he thought of the last time he saw his family...three days ago on his way to school. It seemed to be almost a dream now. A dream that only a small wooden calf could have. As he got to the highway, he realized that he had only two options. 1. Dance like an Irishman. 2. Kill everyone. His legs were tired from sitting in the log and pumping the bellows to make the fire for to cook his waffles. So he opted for violence. Timmy pulled out his nerf gun and loaded it. Was he ready? Could he pull it off? He took the first shot, an old woman crossing the street with her pet iguana. He nearly missed, but luckily hit her right between the eyes. She looked at him and smiled. Then she fell over and the iguana began licking her arm. Could it really be that easy? Timmy took another shot at the  mechanic across the way. The mechanic screamed, and then stopped screaming and went back to work. This was going just as he had expected. Then Timmy died.

"The Postman of Westminster"

By Zydrunas Ficklepuff

He eats the corn

Without washing his calf.

The wind comes

And makes him cry.

This was not what

He had hoped for.  A

Dead emu, lost pennies,

And sandals made of cheese.

The ev'ning falls,

The wasps scream;

The man takes his gun

And seeks refuge.

He takes aim,

Careful to kill that

Good-for-nothing

Postman of Westminster.

The Postman sees

Only birds and bars,

Not kniving treehuggers.

Why should he care?

He's almost within range...

Two feet more!

Click, boom, thud.

The postman is dead.

Two roads diverged

In a yellow wood.

And I, I shot the postman.

Please don't cry for me.

Goodbye, Mr. Postman.

Corduroy

Today I would like to tell some of my favorite jokes/riddles.  Enjoy.

What do you get when you find a cord whose name is Roy?  CORDUROY!

How do you know if a zebra is alive?  Throw a rock at it and see if it runs.

How do you know if a bear is alive?  Same.  Except you have to run, too.

What did the goose say to the organ?  Can I dub your step?

How many villagers does it take to inhabit a cavely setting?  Just 4!

If Bob makes $2 an hour and Elena makes $5 an hour, who is better off?  Well, this depends on what makes you happy.  If money makes you happy, then obviously Elena is better off.  But many philosophers argue that money is not the only contributor to happiness.  In fact, the American Science Foundation recently found that the #1 determinant of happiness is having positive family relationships (Bullock and Thomas, 2012).

Do you like waffles with Splenda?  If you do, you're a werewolf!

How do you spell "hello" without taking out a mortgage?  "Hi."

Three triangles attack the sovereign nation of Pakistan...why?  Because they're not ovals!

Why did Louis flirt with Molly?  Because he thought that would be nicer than flogging her.

Who is the coolest person in the world?  There is no right answer.


Well, that's it everybody.  I can almost hear your laughs from where I'm soaking up sun on the Romanian coast.  #wishingyouwereherewithmenowsowecouldbetogethereventhoughwerenotrightnow

Out.
Z. F.

Squiddles

My new favorite TV show.  Tuesdays and Thursdays, 2am ET.

Lambs

Today I'd like to take a moment and talk about a few of my favorite things.  Mostly lambs.  I LOVE lambs.  I adore their small eyes, buckled ears, curly coats, razor-sharp teeth, and skinny eyebrows.  Many a night have I cuddled up beside a lowly lamb and slept soundly as the rain fell upon these earthen glades.  I have herded lambs, too, and fed them their asparagus in the morning dew.  I have killed the ravenous wolf attempting to make "friends" with my lambs.  Yes, I have even dressed as a lamb for Halloween.  They are such lovely creatures.  They tickle my toes when I am not looking and make me tea while I labor in the fields.  I remember one night, I came home from gathering baby deer in the forest.  The lambs had a fine dinner all laid out for me.  They had sacrificed one of their own--Holly, I think was her name--to satisfy my eager stomach.  Holly tasted so nicely, like a pot of roast kittens with pomegranate sauce.  The lambs even played me music while I ate.  Have you ever eaten dinner while listening to Backstreet Boys being played on the violin and cello?  I have.  It was like 7th heaven.  Sometimes, when I have a bad day, I think back on that night and wonder, "What if I had married a lamb?  Then I would have peace."  Let this be a lesson to you all...leave no regrets.  Take what you will, and leave no clues.

Z.

Do you have what it takes?

Today my preacher told me that I look like Daniel Day-Lewis (aka, Lincoln).  I was flattered.  Mostly because I still can't grow chest hair, but my preacher thinks I'm da bomb!  So my friend Stevie overheard the Father Tyrone's comment, and he says, "Z, you ought to be thankful for that face of yours."  "Why?" says I.  "Because one day you're gonna wake up in Louisville with nothing to do but watch the horse races.  And when you walk into that stadium, those people are gonna see your face and they're gonna make you up to be something akin to Kate Middleton, you know?"  "I should know, but I don't," I says.  "It's like this," says Stevie.  "Everyone likes sunflowers, right?  So when the autumn comes and takes away all the dragonflies, and the sunflowers are left in all their beauty and glory, that's when the people take to the street and stand up for what they want.  And sunflowers is what they want, Z."  "Yeah," I says.  "You're right, Stevie.  I'm gonna make me some pickled onions and then I'm gonna catch a flight to Quebec until this whole thing blows over."  "Okay.  You should let me take care of your garden, then," says Stevie.  So I gave him the keys, which I'm not really sure why I did because the garden is outside.  Whatever.  Lead me on, country road, and I'll make you a millionaire with nothing down and only 3% trans fat.  To the world, I says: Thanks.

Wartime Stories

Squabble and dabble. It was such a thing I heard often during my late nights in Nam. I remember one poor latino boy, likely suffering from fibromyalgia, dancing next to the fire. Squabble dabble. Squabble dabble. It was on said late nights that I would have the most success. I almost never lost a game of Monopoly, and it was unheard of someone beating me in Scrabble. I am the master. Believe that. As I journeyed through the country and decided whether or not I could eat the pickles that I found underneath the tank, I realized something incredible. Ben Afleck has the same last name as the famous talking duck. Almost. And I knew then that my calling in life consisted of baked beans and a can of duck sauce (not to be confused with the talking duck). After the war, I returned home to my seven dogs and beehives, eager to start the new country that I felt swell in my heart when putting on dry socks. The United Empty Lots of Zydrunas. Take a trip down the river (don't forget your vest and cheese in a can!!!!!), and you'll see the magic.

Also, have you ever seen the Lion King????

That's it.

YOLO

YOLO

Why does everyone keep using this "YOLO" thing?  Yellow Oysters Laugh Oddly?  Yucatan Orchids Languish Ornately?  Yuppies Offer Light Oranges?  Yorktown Officers Like Oldies?  Your Oak Lamp Oozed?  WHAT, exactly, am I supposed to draw from this gentlemanly acronym?  I'm confused.  We can't just throw it around like a catch phrase.  You can't just say, "Let's eat Taco Bell!  YOLO!"  What if Taylor Swift heard that?  "Sparrow hunting is rad!  YOLO!"  Okay.  Why don't we just nuke Latvia?  After all, YOLO.  "I had a turkey for breakfast this morning.  YOLO."  What?  Just today I heard someone say, "I was going to go to New Hampshire over the break, but my turnips needed caring after.  YOLO."  Hmmm.  What should I be thinking right now?  That elk aren't cool after all?  That I can choose where I shop for muffin mix?  That Matt Damon is a hippie?  You'd want me to think those things, but I refuse.  Eat your own fudge, Mr. Rodgers.  YOLO.

Play that funky music, white boyz

"They came out of nowhere, like a pack of leopards, but without the claws and an extra dose of leniency." -Jake Gyllenhaal

I agree with you, Jake.  Steam.  That's my favorite band of all time.  Why?  Take a look at this and then ask me again if you still have any questions.

They revolutionized the world with their flannel jackets and loose whiskers.  I remember a concert in '67...I was dating Delilah then...it was a blast.  Johnny, the lead singer, signed my left temple with an exacto knife.  I still have it to this day.  #neverwashedthisface  Floyd, the backup vocalist/mullet man threw a beer at me, but I forgave him almost instantly.  How could I hold a grudge against Mother Nature's gift to humankind?  But Leo, he was the man.  Mr. Style himself kissed Delilah on the cheek when I wasn't looking.  Instinctively, I turned around and introduced my forehead to his Adam's apple. He gagged for a few seconds, then realized who I was.  We had been classmates in 4th-grade alchemy! He apologized for his rudeness, handed me $20, and told me to spend it on some churros and a Dr. Pepper to share with my girl.  I was devastated when the cashier told me it was counterfeit.  But hey, that's the 60's for ya.  So next time your lonely, afraid, and unawares of your future, just put Steam's record on.  I suggest listening to "I don't fly, Susanne" first, followed by "Lost all my staples in Omaha," and topped off with "Your elbows don't lie."  That will put you in the mood.

All my love,
ZF