Well hello, Mr. Pinocchio. Didn't expect to see you today. But then again, I didn't expect to come across turquoise ladders, either. A shame. Really, though, a royal shame. Without the duck sauce, señor. Just keep those gerbils comin' and I'll be happily ever after your's truly. And the drums declare...victory! It's all over like crocodiles on saltwater. Put your hat on and leave it there, because soon it's gonna be hard to find an enchilada less than $2.59. And that's a bargain, folks. They're willy nilly all around town like when Billy the Kid fought James and the giant peach. What a spectacle, that one! Too bad we can't bring back the otters from Zimbabwe. They never let us down without a pouch full of moon rocks. And when there were no cranberries in spring, they gave us a coupon for the billabong. I miss those days, don't you?
ZF
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Gargling
Is it called "gargling" or "gurgling"? Apparently, says the Internet, it is "gargling." What a fancy name. I "gargle" salt water. I don't "gurgle" it or "gaggle" it or "giggle" it. Or even "google" it, though I can. I CAN! But what else is there to gargle? Certainly not rubber hoses. Probably not ice cubes, either. So it's useless. Unless gargling can get me a woman, pay my rent, and make Stove Top, I'm not falling for it. The last time that happened, it was terrible. I still have nightmares about the slinky falling on top of me. It was so...wiry. Don't laugh! I've already heard it a thousand times. A thousand times, I say!! Leave it to NASA to figure how a walrus ties knots in his tail hairs. So next time you want to gargle something, stop yourself. Is it really worth it? I mean, really worth it all? You've got a lotta years ahead of you. You can probably still fight the short man that lives around the corner. Maybe you can't parallel park, but hey, who can? Take it in stride, honey, take it in stride. Uncle Ross knew a thing or two about life, and he would always tell me, "Don't let the train tracks tell you where to go, 'cause after all, you ain't no train." That's a truism if I've ever heard one, but still true. Take it or leave it, but don't go home without it.
ZF
ZF
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Difficulty
Is it really that hard to find pants? You would think, "no, silly billy goat. It's not that hard. Unless you ate them (because goats eat anything)". But the truth is, IT IS THAT HARD!!! I can't find them. They have been missing for days. They are tan and lovely. I am not a goat. I threw up in frustration an hour ago, and spent the last ten minutes blowing my nose. I just can't find them. As my friend Timmy would say, "nothing a little juice and a machete can't fix". Well you know what, Timmy? I can't wear juice or a machete. Unless it's around my neck as a necklace. But that still would cover my legs. Sometimes you're so dumb, Timmy.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Roderick Ninian Smart
This is Roderick Ninian Smart. Who is he? I really have no idea. I searched for 8 minutes on Wikipedia for something interesting, and this is what I found. Let him look into your eyes. Let him stare into your soul and discover those protons of biomolecular stratespherometric mass that have never been explored. He can help you if you let him. You might ask, "How?" Well don't ask me. Ask Ninian. He's got years of experience with things like this. The 1932 project on multidimensional wavetronics? Yeah, that was his work. Don't worry if you don't understand everything I'm saying. Neither do I, but it's all true. Truer than a toasted bagel on a rainy Tuesday morning. You see, John Lennon never really let his bodyguard take his coat to the dry cleaners. He washed it himself. That's something money just can't buy. Ninian understands that...do you? Um, no. Which is why I've posted this entry, even though it's almost 1am here in Montevideo. Just thought I'd give a shout out to all you peeps who I KNOW have been searching for this slice of roast beef. Enjoy.
ZF
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Bedouins and Seal
$287.45. That's how much my phone company says I owe them. Well, then, let's do some more math! 2 = the number of customer service people I made cry this morning while talking about my phone bill. 5 = the number of emails I've received in the last 24 hours from the company, warning me that they will shut off my service if I don't pay my bill. 18 = how many sleeves of Oreos I've eaten today. I eat when I get nervous. So think about that, phone company. Think about your phones and wires and computers and minutes and bills and water coolers and lawyers and buildings and janitors and paper clips. Then think about me. A loyal customer of over 2 months. And what do I get? I get negative money, is what I get. That's basically what's happening here. I use your stupid phone and you give me negative money. THIS IS NOT HOW THE WORLD WORKS!!! But don't worry. I am currently facebook stalking one of your customer service personnel and I plan on using their photos to blackmail them into dropping my bill. #boom
But no more of stressful things. They are not healthy. "The man who eats a thousand shrimp cannot enjoy the steady drop of the locust tree" (Bedouin proverb). So true. The Bedouins are my heroes. I once stayed a fortnight at Abbu Dhabi camp in northeastern Arabia. They fed me honey, peas, and deep-fried camel innards. I can still taste it all. And you know what the best part was? They didn't care if my pockets were full of wrenches or not. They cared about the shape of my jaw, nothing else. Yes, I was a free man then. But no more. Now I am a slave to the laundromat, night and day. Oh, woe is me! When I feel like this, there is only one thing that keeps me going--it is a voice from heaven...
Yeah. Yup. I'm gonna fly like an eagle, and nobody can stop me. I will soar to the highest of heights, just like ol' Abe Lincoln. Look out, world, cuz you ain't seen nothing yet.
Out.
ZF
But no more of stressful things. They are not healthy. "The man who eats a thousand shrimp cannot enjoy the steady drop of the locust tree" (Bedouin proverb). So true. The Bedouins are my heroes. I once stayed a fortnight at Abbu Dhabi camp in northeastern Arabia. They fed me honey, peas, and deep-fried camel innards. I can still taste it all. And you know what the best part was? They didn't care if my pockets were full of wrenches or not. They cared about the shape of my jaw, nothing else. Yes, I was a free man then. But no more. Now I am a slave to the laundromat, night and day. Oh, woe is me! When I feel like this, there is only one thing that keeps me going--it is a voice from heaven...
Yeah. Yup. I'm gonna fly like an eagle, and nobody can stop me. I will soar to the highest of heights, just like ol' Abe Lincoln. Look out, world, cuz you ain't seen nothing yet.
Out.
ZF
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Dumb Ways to Die
While I think the author of this song is unfair in labeling some of these ways to die as dumb, it's worth sharing. Life is precious, and we could all use some reminders on what to avoid. I know I sure could. I've done more than one in my time. But I'm still kickin', so what does she know?
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Symmetry and things
Played hopscotch today. In the middle of campus. People were walking by, like "What?" "Are you serious, man?!" "You're real handsome..." and "Save me an apple turnover for tomorrow." One elderly man dropped his hot chocolate where I was playing, which erased the chalk lines. I was crushed. Not by the lack of lines, mind you, but by the lack of symmetry. There was no more symmetry! History has shown time and again that civilizations rise and fall with the ebbs and flows of symmetry in nature. Take Rome, for example. One day, everything lined up just perfectly, and BOOM! Rome entered its Golden Age. But after years of progress and prosperity, Roman guards began wearing only half of their armor--just enough to cover the left side of their bodies. Kind of like Willy Wonka's office. That really ticked Romans off, and BOOM! Civil war, and the end of a great society.
Lunch today was surprisingly tasty...PB&J with a some sprinkles on top and a can of olives. Got that one from Rachel Ray. Have you ever noticed how her initials are RR? That's a letter in Spanish. But she's not Latina. Sometimes I think Food Network is up to something. They basically own the goldfish industry, meaning they control half the world's food consumption. We're willing to bring antitrust cases against Microsoft and AT&T, but not Food Network? C'mon.
Love you all. #stayclassymyfriends
ZF
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Happy 14th of November
For those of you who don't know, today is a special day. Today marks the date in history that the following people were born.
Each and every one of these fine individuals has had an impact on my life in more ways than I care to say. But I whill say a few. I whill. Take Brooke Satchwell for example. I have never heard of her until today. But when I saw that picture, I knew right then and there that she was beautiful. And I added to the list of all the beautiful women that I will never get to date or marry, right up there with Emma Watson and Megan Fox. As a result, my self-esteem dropped just a little more. So I must say thank you, Brooke. I am truly grateful. And let's not forget Yanni. Need I say more? Then, of course, we have Dick Powell. Despite the unfortunate name, he has made a huge mark on my life. I remember the first time I heard of him (3 minutes ago). It was a moment I will never forget. I was sitting at my computer in the dark, in sadness and despair thinking of my inevitable loneliness, when I saw his picture and read that he was a musician with Ruby Keeler. And for just an instance, I thought it said Ruby Keebler. And then I thought of elves. And for that small moment, I wasn't alone anymore in a dark room. I was in a tree making cookies and talking about physics. And let me tell you, when you come from where I am- it doesn't get better than that.
Anyway, I think I'll let you read the rest. These were truly influential people. It was once said, "never did a man get his bones broken who fought the lion". Let that sink in. And then share it. I know these people would. Blessing to you all on this day, the 14th of November. Shalom.
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